Let go and let God...

Today is one of those regular days....you know, everything is just "normal." My students come to class, we go through the motions, everyone participates...they blow me away with their responses to "would you rather" journaling which leads to an in depth discussion. However, it's at the end of the day when I finally exhale from what seems like the breath I've been holding all day, I realize (although my husband hates this expression) that it IS just too much! There's too much paperwork, too many folders, too many responsibilities, too many meetings and I have just much on my plate that it's crumbling to the ground. It only takes a phone call from some one you love more than life itself to put everything back in perspective. Cancer is a word I never thought would be a part of my "story." No matter how small, what type, when or where....cancer is NEVER a good thing. So now the mounds of paper work seem so trivial, the craptastic mess of a classroom can wait....for now, what really matters are the people in your life and how much they mean to you. You are never promised tomorrow, but God's many blessings come in the form of another human being that changes your life forever. I'm no where near strong enough to handle this on my own...so I'm letting go and letting God.

Sometimes it's just too much....

So everyone has their limits, right? You know, that point where you can no longer take it....the ice starts to crack and before you know it, you've lost it?

It is in these moments when I want someone to reach to, to pick me up, because usually these moments happen when I am completely alone.

So the preview to my breakdown went something like this:
1.) Woke up at 2:48 am
2.) Got punched by my husband (in his sleep) because I decided I would try sleeping in the other direction
3.) I woke up 45 minutes late
4.) I left for church 20 minutes late
5.) My car was on "E"
6.) I forgot my phone
7.) I rode into Kernersville on fumes
8.) Migraines start tempting me
9.) I practically fall off the piano bench at church from the dizziness and heat of the lights
10.) I messed up the band, the invitation and the singers 3 times in a row

AND THEN I BROKE....

Fortunately it's in those moments that God chooses to carry us...for I couldn't have made it home without Him...and He played a song just for me...

Total Randomness of the day....

1. It's Dr. Seuss' birthday, but he IS NOT alive
2. Substitute teachers over the age of 80 need not apply
3. The most enjoyable moment of the day was 6th graders obsessed with the pilot episode of the sit-com series, "ThomaSneed!"
4. Sometimes ignoring people doesn't make them go away
5. There are certain times and places for the F bomb. Before 10 am is totally unacceptable.

GOOD DAY AND GOD SPEED!

"Craptastic" in "Crazytown"

So, yes...I apparently talk to myself outloud in front of my students, and apparently they are listening when you think they don't pay attention!!

So the topic is author's purpose and we're throwing out what Mrs. Sneed's purpose is in teaching this class....to persuade, inform or entertain? While everyone agreed a teacher's job is to inform, my students jumped on the "Mrs. Sneed is the whole PIE!" train.... she does ALL three!!! I smile, take a little bow and then one of my beautiful students says "Mrs. Sneed you're just craptastic!" (a word I have been using lately to desrible my fumbles and mess)...and of course I'm shocked...and the whole class goes "ooooooohhhhh" (you know, like you're in big trouble mister)...and I simply reply "you know, I'm probably the only teacher you have that won't write you up for saying that to a teacher!!"...to which he replies, "Oh, I know Mrs. Sneed, because you live in crazytown (a term I use for the address of my classroom)...and you are crazy, but in a good way (also a phrase I said WAYYYYYY back at the beginning of the year)!"

So it was a craptastic day in crazytown...but it's all good....

On another note....getting your "fro" cut after a year of nothing....equals losing about 5 pounds....but most important to remember is...curly hair SHRINKS when it dries!! Cut one inch when wet is 3 inches when dry = I might be Shirley Temple in the morning!

Randomness...

Thank God it's Friday....this week, as usual was full of craziness!!! Lots of great blessings and random "crazytown" moments...
1.) My students, along with my parter in 6th Grade Language Arts, Ms. Thomas' students jumped up 9% from 1st quarter :-)
2.) I have reduced my Diet Mt. Dew intake by 50%
3.) I had my first subpoena to court...and I feel like a celebrity..lol
4.) 6th graders still apparently LOVE to play leap frog, but look quite akward by trying to "step it up a notch" :-0
5.) Cruise control in the rain IS really not a good idea
6.) Having a professor that is younger than you is NOT a good thing
7.) When communicating over important issues...there should be a 24 hour return rule!!

To be or not to be....Meredith, the author?

So secretly...since 2004 and facing the reality that I might just die (which I did not...lol), and taking a journey in life I could have never predicted, I wished for the opportunity to write a book. I guess I felt like I had to be "formally" asked to write a book....but after discovering websites that offer anyone, from the most wealthy of writers, to a first grader learning to write a sentence...the chance to publish their own book, I decided to get started. I am writing a book that will hopefully help someone who has had marital problems, infertility problems, or anyone who has hit rock bottom and thinks there is no way out. As a middle school teacher, I "edutain" my students to love the world of reading for at least 180 days a year...and thus the inspiration for my second endeavor: a series of books for adolescents. So, just to get a little feedback, I've posted some snippets from both books...so let me know what you think. To be or not to be...an author?

"The Power of No"
Book dedication:
I have been blessed in so many ways, but more than any other are these: my first husband mentally and emotionally abused me for years, he cheated on me and threw our marriage away, he took from me the ability to have a child that is biologically mine, he left me completely broke and alone and for that, I am the wealthiest woman in the world. For it is because of those blessings, I am now the happiest I could ever imagine, I am loved by my new husband more than I could ever deserve, and I am the stepmother of a beautiful daughter, who shares my curls, my creativity and love for an amazing man that makes us smile every day. I will forever be grateful to God for the amazing, painful and broken journey that lead to an incredible, unbelievable destination. It is to my new husband, my soul mate and best friend for life, that I dedicate this book. You are more to me than you can ever know. God gave me you and you are the greatest gift I could ever receive.

Excerpt from chapter 1:
I can recall the moment it all became clear to me. I’m sitting in one of those tacky pink vinyl chairs in the Woman’s Center of Forsyth Hospital. In fact, I still can’t sit or even stand the sight of those “wanna be” leather chairs. But back to my “clear” moment…it’s July 21st of 2004, I’ve been married a little over 4 years, I’ve purchased my first home, and I’ve spent the last year of my life on fertility treatments and yet it’s just now that I’ve come to realize that my husband doesn’t love me. Yes, maybe he cares a little, but when it all comes down to it, he really doesn’t nor has he ever loved me.
Looking back now, that “clear” moment is actually quite humorous. I had just come out of a laparoscopy and exploratory surgery, I’d spent maybe thirty minutes in recovery, and I was in horrible pain and extremely nauseous. However, the surgery was outpatient, and apparently it was time for me to get out! I just don’t think my body was ready for that decision. I was extremely lightheaded, pale and in quite a deal of pain, but I was expected to get dressed and out the door on my own. My body apparently started speaking on its own when I dropped to the bottom of the dressing room and began to cry for my mother.
Isn’t funny…no matter how old you are, you never get too old to want your mommy, and my mother is of the best. She was right there in a second; she helped me back into my clothes but she a had a word or two for those nurses: I wasn’t leaving. I needed to sit down and get some “color” back in me. That’s where the chair comes into play; I sit back, it throws me into full position, and I’m sure I looked like I was ready to meet the queen! It’s at that moment my husband decides to enter the scene. He’s all polished in his chino shorts, Hawaiian shirt and slicked back hair. He takes his normal “cool” stance: arms crossed, and leaning back on the wall like it should be honored to hold up such a man as he. But then, quicker than a bolt of lightning, he takes one look at my pale, post surgery expression and BAM! He passes out right there in the recovery room of Forsyth Hospital! All the nurses, along with my mom, turn from helping me and rush to the only man within a one mile radius. They’re hollering things like “we got a man down” and “quick get me some smelling salts!” I immediately think “what about me? Isn’t this the women’s center? He doesn’t have a uterus, I DO!!” However, the only thing I can physically do is LAUGH OUTLOUD, which automatically brings my mom’s attention back to me. I can tell by the expression on her face that she thinks my laughing is inappropriate, but laughing is contagious, and within seconds…she’s laughing too. Only what she can’t see is the pictures and emotions running through my brain that have brought me to this moment.

Middle School (otherwise known as "The Worst Three Years of My Simple Life)
Excerpt from Chapter 1:
It was the summer before my sixth grade year. I clearly remember because that was the summer all the girls started wearing cute polka dotted or striped bikinis, and I was still stuck in the ugly Wal-mart one piece my mom bought me back in the “after summer” sale. It was this ugly shade of orange that was just bright enough to make me and my big fat self stand out from everyone at the Farm Hill Golf Club swimming pool. My mom got us a membership every summer, but this summer was the first year I didn’t want to go at all! But, you guessed it…my mom made me go, and not only that, but she but she had bought this purple roll on sunscreen that only made me stand out even more. Anyways, I had just gotten out of school 3 weeks earlier and I really wanted to see my friends from school, but not in the orange suit, and not with the purple sunscreen. Had I known what was going to happen later, I’d trade it for living my whole sixth grade year in that suit and sunscreen. That’s definitely better than being nicknamed “floater”, and no, it’s not what you think!

I can't believe I'm about to "publish" this post...it might be deleted by tomorrow :P

It's about time....

OK....so it's only been 3 years since my last blog....but I am back and intend to make blogging a regular part of my life. Reading others' blogs has made me smile, cry and even motivated me to change my life for the better. I am currently working with my 6th graders on writing and what better example of how writing can be used in your everyday life than a blog??? So cross your fingers and hope for the best!!!

Unexpected miracles...

Falling like raindrops on me lately....like being charged absolutely nothing to have your car repaired...the carpet and padding in my spare bedroom that was practically ruined by water a week ago is miraculously dry and stink free:)....needing a beginning budget of at least $800 to make your students' production a success and finding out you have over $900....hearing your daddy say "you did a good job" after going thirty years without ever hearing him say it....getting a phone call from someone you care about when you least expect it but really need it....finding out you've made a difference in someone's life....

it doesn't happen to everyone...but I'm glad lately....HE picked me!! :)

Just plain happy...

I tell ya....my life just keeps getting better and better every day....there’s so much to be happy about...so much to be thankful for....yet I don’t deserve it....God is just WAY to good to me....lately it’s just been nice to focus on the little things that make me...just plain happy....and just to name a few...

God continuing to bless me beyond measure....my family’s constant support....my best friend AshPash and how she just makes me smile...the flowers in my yard and how they seem to know I NEED them to live....my preacher’s wife Wendy and how she always cares....driving with my sunroof open while singing with the radio...painted toenails and toe rings....sandals and flip flops....jean capris....cherry coke zero....those little scrubbing bubbles “stampers” that go in the toilet....my hair getting longer...my Landon learning to crawl...Edy’s French Silk ice cream...my new scallop punch....talking for hours on the phone, and laughing half the time....Cryssie and her "hugz"...smiling so much your face hurts...swingin’ on my porch...listening to the rain...chatting online with friends for hours....watching the birds fight over the bird seed....the smell of fresh cut grass....the anticipation of summer....the longer days...fresh strawberries....and the list could go on and on and on....

I have been blessed....

As I look out my window this morning and see the beautiful sun shining through....I am reminded of how blessed, bright and beautiful my life has become....just a little over two years ago, I made one of the biggest decisions in my life that changed me forever. Asking my husband to leave our home, packing his bags at the door and knowing my future would forever change took more courage than I had ever known......I lived in limbo for another year before coming to the terms that divorce was inevitable....and although I never would have predicted my life turning out this way, I can honestly say....it was worth it.....for now I appreciate life, love and the little things so much more than I ever did in the past....so many people have seen a change in me and say that “I’m back” and even though I hate that I was “gone” for so long....it means so much more to stand where I am today and be so lucky....so grateful for everything He has done for me. ....and so very blessed....which reminds me of a song...:)

“I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed”

God sent me an angel...

So it was just a little over two weeks ago...my heart was broken....lost one of my best friends and had to say goodbye....shed tears....wanted to just crawl away and die....but God had other plans....for in my devotions that day, a book by TD Jakes, entitled “365 Days to Healing, Blessings and Freedom” I read the following....

“When Hagar was lost in the wilderness of depression and wrestling exasperation, God sent an angel. When the labor-ridden mother of Samson was mundane and barren, God sent an angel. When young Mary was wandering listlessly through life, God sent an angel. When the grief stricken Mary Magdalene came stumbling down to the tomb, God sent an angel. For every woman in crisis, there is an angel! For every lonely night and forgotten mother, there is an angel! For every lost young girl wandering the concrete jungle of an inner city, there is an angel! My sister, set your coffee down, take the blanket off your legs, and stand up on your feet! Hast thou not known, hast thou not heard? For every woman facing winter, there is an angel!”

And that very day, God sent me an angel.....not some heavenly creature with wings, but an angel here on earth....for on those days, where I would have normally thought about nothing more than my broken heart, would have cried most of the day away....instead I found myself smiling, laughing and focusing on how great my life is...rather than feeling all alone, I had someone there to talk to and take my mind away from the sadness.....this angel doesn’t even know what they did for me, but I’m so glad they have become part of my world....and that God used them to save me from my broken heart...it’s funny, how when you least expect it, but in that perfect moment....God works everything out....

Praise Him in the storm....

Within the last few days there have been several things happening to people close to me that I cannot explain....health concerns, death of a loved one, the loss of a job...
With so many uncertainties in this world, I am reminded of how blessed we are to have a God who never changes, is ALWAYS there, and knows every step we take before we even get up to walk. Although it might seem like the world around us is falling apart and He is far away, we must always remember that He is just a prayer away, is all knowing, all powerful and always in control. In times like these I catch myself falling on the verse..."For we know all things work together to them that love the Lord", Romans 8:28...
For all of you who are going through a difficult time, please know you are in my prayers and know that God will carry you through....as much as I love music, I couldn't help but think of a song that always helps me in difficult times....Casting Crowns, "Praise You in this Storm"

He Understands My Tears....

Sometimes it's hard to explain how we feel....sometimes it's difficult to find just the words to say...there are times when I find I don't even know what to pray....but I so thankful that God's word promises that when we don't know what to say, He will interceed for us.

Romans 8:26
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

For even when the tears fall from my face and I can't explain them, even when I have no one to go to....HE is always there and understands every teardrop, each and every heartache, worry and concern. I'm so glad HE decided I was worth it....

a favorite song to leave you with....The Isaacs, "He Understands My Tears"

How Could I Ask for More?

God has given me so much in this life....I am so blessed and have so much in my life to be thankful for....for even on the darkest of days, I know HE is with me and keeps me safe. Yet why is it, especially at the beginning of the week (lol), I still find reasons to worry, complain and forget ALL HE is to me and has done for me? I'm human, I guess....just like all of us, we sometimes forget the little things that make life so precious. The tiniest of moments that make life more special and complete are the moments I want to cherish and never take for granted....

Here's a song that reminds me of how grateful I am for all those little things HE has done....as Cindy Morgan sings in this song....my prayer today remains..."Thank you God....How could I ask for more?"

The LOVES of my life....

My best friend posted a blog about all of the “loves” in her life.....and it inspired me to do the same. Love is a word that many people throw around like it’s just the word “a” or “and” or “the”......but when you travel down a broken road in life that was once what you felt to be love, you learn to use it only as necessary, but at the same time....start noticing all the “little things” you really have loved your entire life, but never really thought about it before....so here goes my rendition....Ash-pash....this is for you =)

I love how God sees me as beautiful each and every day.....how He loves me unconditionally..... how my mom and I talk everyday and how she wants to know I am ok.... how my brother loves his wife and his new little baby.... how my daddy pretends not to show his emotions, when deep down, his heart is about to explode....getting mail and email from people I care about.... how my doggies are always tickled to see me and prove it my “shakin’ their tail feathers!”.... how my best friend of 26 years and I can pick right up where we left off....how my daddy always drives his women around in the snow....my mom’s homemade chicken soup.....my aunt Donna’s sweet tea....how my little Landon smells after a bath....wearing my pjs and camis more than any other clothing.... fresh clean sheets.....every pair of merrells I can afford....playing the piano with my eyes closed....soaking in a bubble bath.....getting my hair washed....sleeping in on Saturdays.....seeing my pastor tear up during one of his sermons.....listening to the rain.....having my back rubbed....the smell after a hard rain on a summer afternoon....the smell of fresh laundry out of the dryer....the little things people say that make them who they are, like my mom saying “I said a prayer for you today”, or my daddy saying “what’d you do that for?” or Tara sayin "you get yo nail done?".....laughing at old memories of family and friends.....singin’ with the radio....dancing when nobody’s watching....wrapping up in my grandma’s old quilt....lazy afternoon naps....hugs that are unexpected and don’t let go right away....slow kisses in the dark....my mom’s sourdough bread and chocolate chip poundcake......summer trips to the beach....dreaming about the future....making a difference in the life of a child....lazy days spent in pjs.....hot showers......extra large towels....my church family and their love for me....fireflies at night......going barefoot in the summer.....being so in love you can hardly breathe....watching my daddy work.....listening to children on a playground.....hot chocolate that’s extra sweet....feeling the sand between my toes....watching waves leave the coast....praying in my car out loud....crying from the words of a song....laughing so hard I snort or just about pee my pants....being held....being loved for who I am....being so blessed you feel your heart’s gonna explode.......

WOW....I think I could type forever...I think like Ash I’ll keep adding and reading these so I never forget....

When you least expect it....

I got a huge surprise...blessing....prayer....email today.....

It seems that when we least expect it, God knows when to send a special person our way....sometimes an old friend we've been out of touch with, sometimes a family member, or perhaps even a stranger.....but it's definitely true that when we least expect it....God showers us with just the amount of blessings we need.....

I get an email from an old friend today....letting me know he's heard the news of my "story" and how sorry he is for it....how he knows God's gonna get the glory from all of this and how he knows Christ will be honored for the way I have handled this whole ordeal. What's amazing is that I have barely spoken to this friend in over a year, yet a tragedy in his life and mine and the power of prayer connect us both at this time....how wonderful to know that he has been praying for me this entire time, yet I didn't even know he knew....true friendship doesn't require seeing each other everyday, spending countless hours together, it just requires a love for each other and a faith in a common God that can see you through....so to my special friend, I say "thank you" for putting a bright spot in my day and making me realize that when you least expect it, some one's always praying you through....caring....thinking....and still loving you....

I'll leave you with the verse he left me....

“He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God.”
Romans 4:20

Let them go....

Everyone has problems...troubles....trials...hard times....broken hearts....broken dreams.....it has been my experience in the past that I tend to let these difficult moments tiptoe into my future, ruining some of what could be the happiest and best experiences of my life. And for what reason? Because I am afraid to let go? Afraid to let God have the lead? Afraid I will get hurt again? I often fail to realize that " When God closes a door, He always opens a window"....and although that window might seem smaller, less attractive and harder to get to.....most often the view is so breathtaking, you wonder why you didn't go that window in the first place!

I'm tired of letting my broken past predict my untouched future....I'm tired of being scared, tired of letting what happened yesterday make me miss out on today and its blessings. So my new goal is to learn from the past, but let that be the end of it. Accept each day as a NEW blessing from God....let people in....learn to trust....learn to jump in and feel the wonder of each exciting moment God has for me in this awesome world! Wouldn't it be incredible if we could "learn to write our hurts in the sand and carve our blessings in stone!" So I have decided it's time to take all that hurt, all those problems....truly give them over to God and LET THEM GO!

Looking beyond the surface....

So much of my life was spent around people who looked at what was visible to the eye and made an instant judgment. From the clothes people wear, to the tattoos on their skin, the length of their hair, where they went to school, where they did or didn't go to church.....you name it, people could judge you for it. It makes me sick to my stomach that these people call themselves Christians, yet their actions are as far from "Christ like" as you can get.

So I am in a new place in my life, where I refuse to judge anyone for anything.....I am all about looking beyond the surface to see what's really inside and searching for ways to appreciate each and everyone that God has placed on this earth. Some of the most precious and amazing people in my life right now are people I would have been looked down upon for even speaking to....but it's those people who are missing out on the greater blessing, for when God chooses to use someone who has had a "past", made mistakes, taken the wrong road a time or two, you get such an amazing result in the end....someone who is so grateful for every day that they treat it as a precious gift, someone who is so blessed by your friendship that they hang on every word. Someone who wants to be a better Christian yet they know they fall short every day ....someone who I'd never been blessed to know and my life would not be as special....had I refused to LOOK BEYOND THE SURFACE....

Here....

So I have a new favorite song....heard it on the radio the other day and the message speaks so clearly of where I am today....here's a short video with part of the song "Here" by Rascal Flatts:




I guess the place I am standing "here" today could seem normal to most people...I have an incredible God who has blessed my life more than I could ever deserve, I have an amazing family that supports me and loves me unconditionally as well as friends who are always there for me. Yet, if you take a look behind where I am today, the road is not so pretty......so much of what has happened in my life has me asking questions, but I have learned over the past several weeks that if it weren't for all the hard times, rough roads and pain, I would not, could not be the person that stands "here" today. It took all the storms, trials and troubles to make me into the beautiful masterpiece God sees me as today.

I have met some amazing people over the last few weeks, and one in particular who has changed my life completely. There's no way I would trade what I have been given, just to say my past was easy.....for it's because of all that pain....I am HERE.....HAPPY....AT PEACE....AND LOVING LIFE!

Chicken soup for the sick soul....

Not feeling too much better today....but I did make a pot of homemade chicken soup, which makes me feel a little better after eating a bowl full :)

Spent most of the day in bed, dozing, watching Lucy re-runs, and Christmas movies and I am looking forward to seeing a little bit of White Christmas....which comes on in 15 minutes........unfortunately, due to the weather and my sickness, it looks like tomorrow will be filled with much of the same.....how I hate missing church, and Christmas play practice :(

I did get a few minutes of playtime in to create a few cards with the embellies from yesterday....not so sure how I feel about them yet....